Two Years

 March 31, 2025
It's been two years since Maria died.
Two years of change,
Following 
Two years of coping,
Following 
Thirty+ years of adventures and memories!
What an amazing life together!

A few days after Maria died I received an audio message that she had keyed up in advance. In that message she asked that I keep on with my walks, my birding and my photography; and that I keep sharing my pictures.  Thus this blog. She also told me that I should pay particular attention to the Chickadees and Nuthatches. She told me that Chickadees don't say Chick-a-dee-dee or Cheese-burger  --  they say Hi Sweetie!  She also told me that if a nuthatch ever landed on my hand and pooped, that it would be her.  

In mid-March I took this picture of a Red-breasted Nuthatch. It did land on my hand, but it did not leave a present.  I thought the ethereal nature of the picture celebrates Maria's life, death and presence.

I miss you sweetie!

Maria's Art

This post is dedicated to Maria Lawson, the artist. When we traveled, I would take pictures and later at art class Maria would paint many of them. Not everyone can come to my home and see these paintings, so this post is Maria's Gallery. I hope you enjoy them. I will try to give some background to each painting. Some, however, were practice painting and were taken from a magazine or out of her imagination. These are an electronic reproduction, so they are not as good as the originals, but at least it is an introduction to Maria the artist.

The first picture is the first painting Maria did at her art class. This was a chance for the other artists and her instructor to see how she painted.  

The next two paintings are from the park right across the street from the house. Maria obviously took some creative license when she painted them. We do not have a creek running through the park.

We used to go the The Max Bell Arena to walk during the winter. The view from Max Bell inspired Maria to paint the next two.

Kananaskis was one of our favourite places to camp and hike. The next three paintings were inspired by that area.

Maria loved to travel to Germany. I think that she had about 23 trips to Germany. The first painting was from our morning walks in Emlichheim. The second painting is from a hike with Maria's cousins (Dorla, Benno, and Elisabeth) in what once was East Germany. The painting is of Dorla's favourite tree.

We had many trips visiting our friends in Miami, Oklahoma. One year we stopped in Moab at the end of August and spent a week hiking and traveling around the National Parks. The first painting is at Arches National Park, and the second is from Highway 70 as we approached the east side of the Rocky Mountains.

When visiting friends in Miami, we walked every morning. Maria liked walking at the Rotary Park. These paintings were inspired by the flowers at the campground and at the park.

We traveled with our friends from Miami in our volunteer work, and they took us to some amazing places. Each was a new place to walk and experience the neighbourhoods. The first painting is from Orlando. We had just had an wonderful tour behind the scenes at Seaworld and were walking back to the hotel when we saw this flower. The second painting is from Tampa during an evening stroll.

The next two paintings were inspired from our holiday travels. The first if from a camping trip with our daughter and son-in-law in BC, and the second is from our first holiday in Yellowstone National Park.

The next painting comes from the Grande Tetons National Park. We were driving home from Miami and took the scenic route. It was a cloudy, rainy day and we had stopped at a rest-stop by this lake. 

Of all our travels, we really fell in love with the Yukon most. This painting is from Kathleen Lake, just south of Haines Junction.

Maria did like to practice new techniques. The next painting is from a magazine so that she could practice Folk Art.

Of the many practice painting that Maria tried, she really liked this fish. I have to confess that I just don't get it; but that's art!

Here are a couple more of Maria's practice paintings; and again, these come from magazines.

Maria also practiced techniques on glass coaster sized boards because she could finish them in one sitting. These are four of them.

The final painting that I will share is the last painting that Maria touched. She was unable to finish this painting before she died, so her art instructor did the final touches. This is from the Highwood Pass in Kananaskis, one of our favourite drives. 

Tulips and Sunrises, May 02, 2024

Maria loved to travel and watch the sun rise with me. She also loved tulips and always enjoyed the winter tulips I would grow for her and the tulips from our flower beds in the Spring. I was thinking that this would be the last time to pick these tulips, but I may be able to move some to my new place. Good memories there.

Olympus E-M5ii, 30mm, ISO 200, f/8, 1/2.

Olympus E-M5ii, 14-42mm, 14mm, ISO 2500, f/9, 1/4000. Frank Lake

All pictures photo-edited with On1 Photo Raw 2024

 

Firsts

Today is one year of one day at a time without Maria. To celebrate our life together, I started the day by making her favourite bread. Later this morning I will have breakfast with our daughter and family and we will be thinking and talking about Maria. Later today I will sit with my journals, turn the pages and remember adventures of our life together. The old pictures on my computer will remind me of memories that have slipped my recall. Such rich memories, such a rich time together!

This has been a year of firsts. First meal alone, first night alone, first morning alone, first day alone, first week, month, anniversary, birthday; first haircut by someone who doesn't love me (at least I don't think he did). First Canada Day, first visit with the grandchildren, first trip to Linden without you (for your Celebration of Life on day 99). 

First meal by myself, first financial decision all on my own, first trip to Women in Need Society (so, so many shoes). First Sunday morning pancakes without you (day 270- almost 9 months). First family picture without you. First time I turned on the TV without you by my side to hold my hand (day 291). 

First outstanding picture that I couldn't share with you. Sometimes everything comes together and a picture is just outstanding. Who else could I want to share it with but you. I miss you sweetheart!

The first pictures from Linden (day 142): of mule deer, of fawns, of birds, and I couldn't show them to you in our RV. I miss putting a smile on your face. I miss that a lot!

First time someone rode in the passenger seat of the car and it wasn't you (day 138). I so wished it was you so that I could reach out and hold your hand. Some firsts are harder than others.

First time celebrating your birthday without you here. I spent most of the day out of the house. You were deeply missed that day. First October 10th without you - the 31st anniversary of our first date. 

First time I listed an Emergency Contact on a healthcare form and I couldn't put down your name and phone number (day 203). This type of thing just sneaks up on me and touches my heart and head. Phew! Luckily it was at our pharmacy, so the pharmacist and I had a good talk about things. I am lucky to have such good support. 

The first time that I planted winter tulips without you (day 210). In January I brought the planters in one at a time. Each time one came up I thought of you and when they bloomed I took pictures and shared the pictures on this blog. The first Halloween. You would have loved seeing all the pretty princesses and tiny superheroes.

The first time I put up the Christmas tree without you. I found the new ornaments that you had hidden as a Christmas surprise (a cardinal and a tanager). They were a very emotional find! The first Jacquie Lawson Christmas card I received. You were the first of our family and friends to use that service, and it was an emotional tug to get that first ecard. 

The first Valentine's Day. I thought about you all day, and took pictures of our tulips. Some days trigger stronger memories than others. I found on this day, that most of my memories brought a smile to my face. The first time I made your favourite bread (whole wheat with sunflower and pumpkin seeds); day 342. For months you couldn't eat fibre, so I was making whole wheat for you. The house smelled wonderful, you would have loved it.

This is your candle. The first time I lit it was when they were cremating your body. I sat there, stared at the flames and thought about what I had lost. Then I lit it at day 90, day 180, day 270, and then finally today at one year. After the first time of lighting, I was better able to think about what a special relationship we have, how thankful I am for the memories and our time together, and how grateful I am. You are my angel, sweetie!

When it is my turn to cross over to your new realm of existence, the first feeling I hope to have is how much I am loved by you, and the first thought I wish to express is how much I love you and am looking forward to spending all our moments together.

I am a man of hope. 

To interstitial space and beyond!!!

Love you sweetie, first and forever!

When I think of you,

My heart fills with love.

When I think of you,

I feel you by my side!

 

Valentine's Day 2024

In preparation for my first Valentine's Day since Maria died, I planted tulips in containers in the early fall of 2023. These were left in the garage to go through the cold weather and I started to bring them into the kitchen in early to mid January. There were three batches and they came inside every two weeks.  As they started to break through the soil, I remembered how Maria would count the shoots every morning to see how many tulips might bloom. The first burst of colour always put a smile on her face.

Olympus OM-1, 30mm, ISO 200, f/11, 1/60. January 28, 2024

The first full bloom was always something to talk about. It started us thinking about spring and what travel and camping plans we wanted to start. 

Olympus OM-1, 100-400mm + M20, ISO 1250, f/11, 1/13. January 29, 2024

We would count each blossom and enjoy the colour they would bring to our home and the mental health support as the winter still held outside. Even as they aged, we celebrated the beauty of these older blooms. This picture was taken on Valentine's Day.

Olympus OM-1, 30mm, ISO 500, f/8, 1/15. Feb 14, 2024

And finally, as the petals started to drop from the flowers, we would have another container of tulips that were peeking out of the soil, starting to share their beauty.

Olympus OM-1, 30mm, ISO 500, f/8, 1/13. Feb 14, 2024

I miss you sweetie!

All pictures photo-edited with On1 Photo Raw 2024

Day 270

December 26th, 2023 (Boxing Day) was day 270. Two hundred and seventy days since Maria died.  I lit this candle when her body was being cremated and I have lit it every three months since. 

On this day I lit the candle, thought about the wonderful adventures we shared, and cooked pancakes in her memory. For years, every Sunday I would cook pancakes for Maria and I would put a happy face on her pancakes. It didn't matter where we were, we had pancakes on Sunday. Whether at home, in the bus, the fifth-wheel or the trailer, I made her pancakes. From Miami, Oklahoma to Kluane National Park in the Yukon, pancakes were made. 

It was our time to have a slow breakfast (I made the pancakes one at a time and didn't make the next until each was eaten). We would share our thoughts of the week and chat about life in general. It was a wonderful little tradition we carried on.

On December 26th, I made pancakes (for the first time since she died), lit her candle, thought about Maria and then holding her in my heart went on a walk at the Inglewood Bird Sanctuary. There were lots of Chickadees at the Sanctuary, so I held out my hand and they took turns landing on the hand and checking for treats. 

Maria wanted me to continue my nature walks and to share my pictures.  The Bird Sanctuary didn't disappoint. When I came home I edited my pictures and shared them with my memories of Maria. 

Miss you sweetie!

Day 180

Day One-hundred and Eighty. Focusing on one day at a time and it is now day 180; amazing.

 

Olympus OM-1, 30mm Macro, ISO 1250, 1/125, f/4.5. Sep 27, 2023, 9:00 am. Calgary.

I'll never smile again

Until I smile at you

I'll never laugh again

What good would it do?

For tears would fill my eyes

My heart would realize

That our romance is through

I'll never love again

I'm so in love with you

I'll never thrill again

To somebody new

Within my heart

I know I will never start

To smile again

Until I smile at you

Within my heart

I know I will never start

To smile again

Until I smile at you

Wonderful Performance by Vania Chan

Canadian Ruth Lowe wrote this song after the death of her husband. Historica Canada

Tapestry of Life

We just had Maria's Celebration of Life.  Maria had it exactly right. Instead of having one or two people tell stories or emcee the day, she asked for friends and family to come together, have coffee and cakes, and share stories. I learned so  much!

Each of us, whether husband, lover, care giver, daughter, son, sister, brother, in-law, cousin, friend, doctor, fellow volunteer or fellow artist doesn't know the full story. By everyone sharing, each person got to add more colour and threads to the tapestry that is Maria's life. Such a rich tapestry, such a rich life!

Love you sweetie!

Nikon CoolPix S3600, 36mm, ISO160, 1/250, f/6.6, 7:30 am, June 10, 2015. Fort St. John, B.C.

Canon EOS Rebel SL1, 18-55mm, 18mm, ISO100, 1/125, f/7.1, 7:35 am, Aug 30, 2015. Columbus, Missouri.

To paraphrase Ernest Hemingway:

Everyone has two deaths, when they are buried in the ground and the last time someone says their name. In some ways people can be immortal.

Celebration of Life

Above is a snapshot of a life well lived.  If you enlarge it you can see: 

    - Maria’s picture from 2020 Christmas. She was not feeling well and had lost a lot of weight. I was afraid for her. 

    - our first camper that she loved so much. 

    - her balloon ride to celebrate her birthday. She was doing really well then. 

    - AVCA thank you cards. The fronts are personalized with pictures of our trips. Not everyone knows of her remarkable achievements. 

    - a picture with her two siblings, Maria is on the right with the blond curly hair. Such a cutie!

    - a picture of my sweetie with James Bond, Roger Moore. How do you compete with that!

    - a picture when we were first dating, with our motorcycle gear on. 

    - our wedding photo. Such a happy day, such a beautiful bride. So many good adventures to come. 

    - her accordion trophy that reads “1st Prize, Saskatchewan Music Festival 1965. She never threw that trophy out and would proudly tell the grandchildren "Yes, best in the Music Festival". 

    - a picture from that music festival. 

    - and a picture of our family (not shown) as Maria was so proud of the kids and grandkids! She loved every moment spent with family. 

I will take these to the Celebration on Saturday (July 08, 2023). It will be nice to hear the heartwarming stories of friends and family. 

Day Ninety

 

Olympus OM-1, 30mm Macro, ISO 1250, 1/125, f/4.5. June 29, 2023, 8:00 am. Calgary.

Grateful

Recently I had an enjoyable evening with neighbours. When asked how I was doing, I surprised my self by saying that I was feeling grateful. Some explanation was needed. 

Canon EOS M10, 14-45mm, 15mm, ISO 200, 1/60, f/8. July26, 2022. Linden Coulee Campground

Mostly I am grateful for having nothing left unsaid. For our entire married life we started each day telling each other how much they were loved, and we ended each day the same. Toward the end we talked about everything and multiple times during the day we ensured that each knew how much they were loved. The last words Maria heard were how much we loved her, and the last words she spoke was how much she loved us. How many couples can say that? I am so grateful for that!

I am exceedingly grateful for the time we spent together. Each of us left work early and we got to spend lots of time with each other, going many places and doing many things - so many adventures. When time was becoming short, we saw many sunrises together. I will  always be grateful for the Linden sunrises!

Canon EOS M10, 14-45mm, 44mm, ISO 200, 1/13, f/8. June 13, 2022. Linden Coulee Campground

Canon EOS M10, 14-45mm, 15mm, ISO 200, 1/25, f/4. June 13, 2022. Linden Coulee Campground

Also, I am grateful for the support of family and friends, and the support of total strangers who took the time to reach out and support - us first, and then me in my grief.  I don't think you get through grief on your own, and our family has been amazing.

Canon EOS M10, 14-45mm, 41mm, ISO 400, 1/800, f/13. Masy25, 20222. Peter Lougheed Provincial Park in Kananaskis, Alberta.

Mostly I am grateful for having nothing left unsaid.