Firsts

Today is one year of one day at a time without Maria. To celebrate our life together, I started the day by making her favourite bread. Later this morning I will have breakfast with our daughter and family and we will be thinking and talking about Maria. Later today I will sit with my journals, turn the pages and remember adventures of our life together. The old pictures on my computer will remind me of memories that have slipped my recall. Such rich memories, such a rich time together!

This has been a year of firsts. First meal alone, first night alone, first morning alone, first day alone, first week, month, anniversary, birthday; first haircut by someone who doesn't love me (at least I don't think he did). First Canada Day, first visit with the grandchildren, first trip to Linden without you (for your Celebration of Life on day 99). 

First meal by myself, first financial decision all on my own, first trip to Women in Need Society (so, so many shoes). First Sunday morning pancakes without you (day 270- almost 9 months). First family picture without you. First time I turned on the TV without you by my side to hold my hand (day 291). 

First outstanding picture that I couldn't share with you. Sometimes everything comes together and a picture is just outstanding. Who else could I want to share it with but you. I miss you sweetheart!

The first pictures from Linden (day 142): of mule deer, of fawns, of birds, and I couldn't show them to you in our RV. I miss putting a smile on your face. I miss that a lot!

First time someone rode in the passenger seat of the car and it wasn't you (day 138). I so wished it was you so that I could reach out and hold your hand. Some firsts are harder than others.

First time celebrating your birthday without you here. I spent most of the day out of the house. You were deeply missed that day. First October 10th without you - the 31st anniversary of our first date. 

First time I listed an Emergency Contact on a healthcare form and I couldn't put down your name and phone number (day 203). This type of thing just sneaks up on me and touches my heart and head. Phew! Luckily it was at our pharmacy, so the pharmacist and I had a good talk about things. I am lucky to have such good support. 

The first time that I planted winter tulips without you (day 210). In January I brought the planters in one at a time. Each time one came up I thought of you and when they bloomed I took pictures and shared the pictures on this blog. The first Halloween. You would have loved seeing all the pretty princesses and tiny superheroes.

The first time I put up the Christmas tree without you. I found the new ornaments that you had hidden as a Christmas surprise (a cardinal and a tanager). They were a very emotional find! The first Jacquie Lawson Christmas card I received. You were the first of our family and friends to use that service, and it was an emotional tug to get that first ecard. 

The first Valentine's Day. I thought about you all day, and took pictures of our tulips. Some days trigger stronger memories than others. I found on this day, that most of my memories brought a smile to my face. The first time I made your favourite bread (whole wheat with sunflower and pumpkin seeds); day 342. For months you couldn't eat fibre, so I was making whole wheat for you. The house smelled wonderful, you would have loved it.

This is your candle. The first time I lit it was when they were cremating your body. I sat there, stared at the flames and thought about what I had lost. Then I lit it at day 90, day 180, day 270, and then finally today at one year. After the first time of lighting, I was better able to think about what a special relationship we have, how thankful I am for the memories and our time together, and how grateful I am. You are my angel, sweetie!

When it is my turn to cross over to your new realm of existence, the first feeling I hope to have is how much I am loved by you, and the first thought I wish to express is how much I love you and am looking forward to spending all our moments together.

I am a man of hope. 

To interstitial space and beyond!!!

Love you sweetie, first and forever!

When I think of you,

My heart fills with love.

When I think of you,

I feel you by my side!